Can An Abusive Man Ever Change?

GalleryJuly 31, 2017Shahla Khan Leave a comment

One of my readers have been questioning this a lot and I am glad that she discovered the answer herself and was happy to share it with others in this blog post.

My reader, let’s call her Jia, has been in a relationship with a guy for the last 7 years. In the last 5 though, they started living together since she was going through medical and financial troubles and didn’t have a family to return to.

Living in was more of a last resort than a choice for her.

She admits that the guy is nice to her, romantic at times, makes her smile often. But this does not make her slide over the financial, emotional and mental abuse by cursing her over silly things and keeping her dependent on him, taking advantage of her illness.

She was about to break free from his shackles by getting a job and recovering from her health when she had decided in her mind that as soon as she can, she will stop living with him and end this relationship.

She ended it from her side several times when she was abused or threatened to be thrown out of the house because a man that loves you won’t do that to you for silly things. She knows that very well.

But since she had nowhere to go, he would always get a chance to make things usual and act like nothing ever happened.

Anyway, she had decided that mentally while she was waiting for any of her efforts to give fruits when the guys’ father passed away.

As much as she was hurt and done with him, she stood by him in his grief. She cried with him, arranged for his journey, helped him pack, gave her luggage and whatever she could emotionally and physically.

While he was gone, she got some time to herself to ponder over things and she was unsure if she could abandon him just after he lost his dad. He had been broken and Jia didn’t want to leave him alone when he needed a shoulder to cry on.

He spent a month away while she consoled him, cried with him and helped him deal with this, every single day on the phone.

He came back and she noticed a stark difference; something she had not witnessed in last 7 years!

He was changed alas! He isn’t making a fuss when she served him pasta the next day, he didn’t make her cry for a week when she asked for £50 and he honored her wish to take her out for a late night drive without giving her hell or calling her names.

She didn’t want to jinx it so she kept quiet but Jia never for once stopped noticing how much he had changed.

She ultimately started considering continuing this relationship since she was seeing that losing his father has made him a different man. It seemed like he now values relationships and understands that yelling over a bowl of pasta for 1 week is not the way to treat your woman. It seemed like he had grown, become emotionally matured since his fathers passing away.

With a skeptical heart, she started wondering if this would last or not and certainly began feeling thankful and cheerful for the great guy. She started to think may be the earlier abuse was a test and may be he has outgrown all that.

Last night she asked him to pick some food for her as she was ill and could not cook. She planned to watch Jessica James, put Netflix on, got the plates and drinks out and made everything ready for the fun night she had planned.

He got home and asked if the food order in the text message is for both of them or just for her. She had only asked to pick what she wanted with common sense that he would pick pizza for himself as he clearly SAID it to her in the evening.

She didn’t panic or fight over food (when clearly it was his fault/dumb/stupid excuse for not picking his food as he always does) but divided her food between two plates and brought to the table while Jessica James started.

He never shut up for a minute, complaining that the food is not enough, it has garlic, why didn’t she write his order too in the text. No matter what she said, he began the same old, throwing things around and went to the bedroom abusing her for being selfish and calling her all sorts of names.

Usually, Jia is sick and still feeds him first, and if has any energy left, would cook something for herself. She had planned to eat together this night while watching the new movie but unfortunately, he couldn’t let that happen, would he?

She tried to eat a little bit while waiting for him to grow up and come out but he didn’t. She put on clothes and limping in her medical condition, walked down to the nearest take-away and got him pizza.

Instead of realizing what an asshole he’s been all night, he started abusing her even more in words that range from her dependency to abusive names you wouldn’t ever call anyone in your right mind.

Ultimately he said sorry and that he had a bad day- but that’s the CLASSIC EXCUSE for any abuser, she knows it well enough by now. Nothing she hasn’t heard before. He forced her to eat with him but she simply could not stop weeping and just left him alone, as she pretended to be on the phone with someone.

She’s been asking me for the last few months about her decision to leave this, really long relationship and if it was possible for an abusive man to change.

Tonight she said just one sentence-

ONCE AN ABUSER, ALWAYS AN ABUSER!

Beware Fake Male Feminist Allies

GalleryJuly 4, 2017July 4, 2017Shahla Khan Leave a comment

So, my general assumption is that when someone says they are “FEMINIST”, it means they believe in FEMINISM.

I mean why wouldn’t I assume that?

If you tell me you are a Ph.D. in English literature, I would know for sure you know who William Shakespeare was, right?

I recently had a conversation with a straight guy, who claimed to be a FEMINIST.

I loved when he said that he is a FEMINIST since not many men that I know, embrace FEMINISM openly.

I WAS IN FOR A SHOCKING REVELATION!

The first alarm bell rang when he said “he doesn’t feel sorry for poor labor class men from developing countries whose human rights get violated in Middle Eastern countries”.

I was shocked and pointed out “your privilege is showing” to which he continued his stance.

I simply said that I doubt he is a FEMINIST and I will explain how privilege and oppression work if we ever meet, but emphasized that he has a lot to learn.

If that did not clue enough, today held another shocking revelation.

I mentioned something about single women being abused by married men.

Instantly it became about men Vs women.

This coming from a FEMINIST was shocking since by definition FEMINISM recognizes that a conversation about women must not be turned around to make it about men.

He continued to emphasize #NotAllMen not acknowledging one thing about women’s oppression. This is how it went in few important screenshots:

WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS??????????

As you can see, I’ve hidden the senders’ identity so my mission is not to name and shame anyone.

But I could not help write about this because of my failed assumption.

FEMINISM is a cool label for people to tag these days including men. Men who want to seem open minded and progressive may be even to attract independent strong women.

And it is very much possible that men and even women call themselves FEMINISTS without actually putting any effort into learning what it is and what it is about.

I BEG YOU- FEMINISM IS NOT A COOL LABEL ONLY, IT’S A RESPONSIBILITY-

Responsibility to educate yourself about women’s rights and their historical oppression.
Responsibility to hold men accountable where they step on women’s conversations where the focus is women’s experiences and not a competition of who’s got it worse.
Responsibility to LISTEN to women instead of mansplaining.

I would love if not just one but all the men in the world identify as FEMINISTS but unfortunately, that still won’t do any good if in their hearts they only keep trivializing women’s’ experiences and mansplaining FEMINISM AND EQUALITY to them.

So, all guys out there, kindly educate yourself before you identify as a FEMINIST. The FEMINIST movement welcomes people of all genders, races and classes except for assholes who say they are FEMINISTS but make no attempt in understanding women’s issues.

Not asking you to quote Gloria Steinem word by word but at least acknowledge that only women, not men have to return home with pepper sprays a night.

Not asking you to recall the name of every SUFFRAGETTE but at least know that when men get harassed no one asks if they wanted it or what they were wearing, and they get harassed mostly by other men.

Not asking you to get published on JEZEBEL but at least recognize that no woman ever has been found taking sexual pleasure by ripping out a man’s intestines or selling male rape videos for 50 INR.

Not asking you to worship Chimamanda Ngozi but accept that no man has ever been asked if he can handle work and kids simultaneously and no boys were sent home because their shorts or tank tops were too ‘short’ or distracting girls.

FFS men sexualise girls bodies by the age of 12 on average!!!!

UPDATE: The next day he apologized.

Brides Gifted Bats to Beat Abusive Husbands- DUMB Actions NOT Feminism

GalleryMay 3, 2017May 3, 2017Shahla Khan 1 Comment

I wish I could appreciate Indian govt’s stance but sadly NO!

I recently saw this video where brides are gifted bats on their wedding day, by the MP politician with messages written on them that encourage women to use the bats if they encounter domestic abuse.

VIDEO

The problem with giving women bats on their wedding are plenty-

1- Men are very much capable of taking the bat from them and beating women instead.

2- Violence is not the answer to domestic abuse; REHAB CENTRES ARE.

3- This kind of actions place the responsibility of fighting domestic abuse on the women because they are so sure that the POLICE WON’T INTERVENE.

4- What impact is this going to have on children?

5- Why would you marry your daughter to someone you even slightly suspect might be abusive?

In the video, you can see the minister proudly claiming to have done a NOBLE deed. His deed is beyond ridiculous as it shows how little effort we put in raising good men and how sure we are that they will be abusive.

People do not understand FEMINISM at all and think women empowerment means women beating men up.

Combatting domestic abuse has several strategies but this is counter-productive and extremely stupid.

I Can’t Give You Me

GalleryApril 25, 2017Shahla Khan 2 Comments

I can’t give you , me.

As much as I love love.

As much as I want to be loved.

I can’t give you, me.

To the world, I am a strong woman.

I am the cliff that men train to hike,

I am the oak tree that stands after the hurricane,

I am the earth that lies beneath your feet,

And you think you can walk all over it.

But the moment it shakes you are wiped out,

Like a tiny speck on the face of the moon.

I am Maya Angelou’s phenomenal woman,

I am the one that gives Trump nightmares,

The one that was once tagged as a witch.

And in some century the suffragettes.

To the world, I am all that.

But to the man, I love, not that at all.

When I am in love,

I am like the drop of wax slowly and gracefully,

Trembling down the lengths of a candle,

Warm but soft and crushed by the tip of the man’s finger.

As a woman in love,

I am the tiny speck hiding in the pollen of a sunflower,

As the sun gives it light, so it owns the power to burn it.

Love makes me care, love makes me give you my all,

And if I give you me, I will love you that way.

Love you more than you ever imagined and

Be there for you more than you deserve.

Going an extra mile after 5000 extra miles is my thing.

Unlucky for you, I have been there done that.

Traveled those miles, been crushed and burnt and broken.

Now, when you say the word love,

I hear my bones cracking like you’ve already started

To tighten your grip on my fragility

And when you say ‘commitment’

I feel my existence withering away in gray ashes.

And when you say ‘relationship’

I crumble like a hard rock sliding down a cliff.

It’s not you, it’s those words.

Those exact words men used before you and

That makes me wonder

Why would you be any different?

I know its foolish to give up on love.

As they say, when one bus goes…

But what if the buses keep coming but none of them is the right one.

I may sound like a coward to you,

Like a hopeless, powerless, weak woman.

Too afraid to put herself out there.

Too scared to just ‘get on with life’.

The fact is- I am different.

I have a history and I have been at places you cannot imagine.

When I love someone, I give them a weird sense of control over me.

I swear its not voluntary, its like air.

People have used that to my disadvantage very well.

To humiliate me, harass me, crush me and dehumanize me.

And now that I know how delicate it is,

I rather guard it myself.

You are human after all, and I am afraid,

Knowingly or unknowingly if someday

You decide to use it as a weapon on me,

I may not find back the strength

To put the pieces back together,

Not all broken mirrors can be fixed.

Sometimes the shards are too sharp and cut too deep.

Why Women Still March in 2017

GalleryMarch 23, 2017Shahla Khan Leave a comment

Losing Jobs To White Men #TheMindyProject

GalleryMarch 15, 2017Shahla Khan Leave a comment

If you watched the latest episode of The Mindy Project, you’d know where I am going with this.

The writers took an excellent shot at showing what white male privilege looks like and how our society functions around it.

This episode reminded me of my experiences as a woman of color.

In the last three years, I got to the final round of 3 job interviews.

THE FIRST JOB AS A LECTURER

The first case was in a local college, teaching Business studies to under grad students. I won’t name the college to spare them the shame.

You know the pre-interview time when candidates hang out in the waiting lounge? The 3 finalists were a white man, a white woman and me, a woman of color.

We got to speak a little before the interview started.

The white lady was a school teacher and had never taught at that level and specially not Business.

The white man was an ex army man and had never done any teaching in his life. He told that the only time when he studied Business was in his own school days.

Then the third candidate was me; a PhD fellow in Business with 5 years of university level teaching experience.

SURPRISE SURPRISE- The white guy got the job.

You might say I am bitter because I didn’t get the job. OK, let’s talk about the second.

THE SECOND JOB AT AN AWARD WINNING IT STARTUP IN THE UK

This is one of the most famous startups in the UK and in my job application, in some question box, I pointed out their company looks great in the videos but there seems to be no diversity. They should look into it.

They invited me for an interview.

One of the 3 white women that interviewed me, was……….. A FUCKING SWIMMING COACH! She didn’t even have a diploma or a certificate in Business and she was interviewing me.

I spent 2 days traveling for the interview, 3 months wasted in several rounds of their interview stages…and filling tons of forms and answering all sorts of questions.

THE RESULT you ask? They hired a male dude with a minor in Business and no experience as the consultant that was MANDATORY in their job description.

THE THIRD I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT CAUSE ITS THE SAME PATTERN OF STUPIDITY.

I seriously don’t want to be hired because I am a minority woman but I don’t want to be neglected because of that either.

I saw over social media where this one prominent YOUTUBER (white woman) was saying how “women complain so much and if they have so much problem with hiring systems and wage gap then why don’t they go their own way, start their own fucking business or something” I quote.

You see; it’s not that easy.

Not all women have the resources to do that.

I am not even allowed to do anything on my own in the UK because I don’t have the required visa for that. Formal employment under someone else is the only way the country allows me.

What can I do unless a company sponsors my visa?

White male privilege is something I have witnessed too closely and I want to thank the Mindy Project for taking on this hot subject.

Kudos!