How NOT to be a jerk?

An excerpt from Congratulations, You’ve Failed.


“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.”– Marilyn Monroe

I am sorry to not include advice on how not to be a jerk for females. The reason is because there is already a whole lot of existing literature out there in religious, social and cultural books advising women. I am not prejudiced but I feel men need a little more help, so here it is.


  1. Offer her a coat if she is cold outdoors.
  2. Offer her a blanket if she is cold indoors.
  3. Hold the door for her.
  4. Don’t check her phone or emails behind her back. Trust issues should be dealt separately.
  5. Don’t humiliate her in front of your friends and family.
  6. Respect her dreams, ambition and career choices.
  7. While you are together, don’t play with your phone. Nothing can be ruder.
  8. TALK- for god sake, communicate how you feel. If you are not good at expressing your feelings, WORK on it or break up but please don’t expect the person to continue the relationship with a healthy mute person.
  9. Don’t try to control your partner. Or else, like Beth Behr says in 2 Broke Girls, ‘one of these nights, she is coming after you, probably in the dark, probably with a knife…’ Well, that was too extreme but you get my point. Don’t push someone to the extent that they begin to hate you.
  10. Don’t comment on other women’s body parts when you are with her. No matter how ‘cool’ she might act, this is unacceptable.
  11. Don’t spend a fortune on your own grooming products and give her a speech when she spends on hers.
  12. Don’t get jealous of anyone she speaks with. Again, deal with trust issues separately. A suspicious husband is better in grave.
  13. Don’t try to show off yourself as an alpha male and get in trouble with the police or other men.
  14. Be a friend who she can rely on and can’t wait to share her life with rather than a judgmental snob.
  15. Don’t ever forget to cuddle for long. Pearls are collected from the shore after the waves return to the sea.
  16. Don’t force her to do things or try things which she is uncomfortable with. You may end up in prison.
  17. Don’t expect her to do your laundry and dishes. She is not your mother. Share household responsibilities.
  18. Take her for long drives and dinners out. A simple change in the environment can be wondrous.
  19. Don’t lie about your relationship status in public or with friends. If you are unsure, let that be transparent. But if you are in a full fledged relationship and act like a single person, the results can be catastrophic when she finds out about it.
  20. Don’t put her in the least priority file of your life. If she is that unimportant, just break up and let her be someone else’s priority.
  21. This goes without saying but please don’t play with two women at the same time. Finish with one off first and only then move on to another. Be genuine.

The list can go on but the point is if you genuinely care for her, it will show. And if you are faking it, that would come across pretty easy too. Don’t take your partner for granted, this might be your best shot.
Bless you.
Ciao!
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