Why WOMEN can’t & shouldn’t FIX Broken MEN

Re-posting from Make Love Not Rape Blog 

If we filled a fountain with a quarter for every woman who’s loved and tried to save a broken man, we could probably fill Niagara Falls.
Not only this idea of a woman trying to fix a broken man prevalent, it is extremely romanticized in our society. Who doesn’t remember this scene?
For ages, women fall for men who are emotionally unstable from the onset of a relationship or who turn out to have all sorts of ‘issues’ after they get to know the guy better.
In 100% of domestic violence cases, there is a woman trying to ‘fix’ a man by pleasing him tirelessly until she runs out of her will power.
It is somehow empowering to stand by our lovers when they are facing hard times. It saves us from guilt and gives us that moral satisfaction of ‘being there’ for the love of our lives. It makes us secretly feel proud that despite it all being hard, I never gave up on my love.
Society has loads and loads of broken men because the patriarchal mindset tells men that they can’t be weak, or cry or have emotions of any sort. Hence when faced with loss, rejection or sorrow, they have no idea what to do except for that phrase I hate ‘MAN-UP’ and go ahead.
The problem with this ‘man up’ idea is that it neglects that part about man being human first. And human beings go through a whole process of healing starting from denial to acceptance.
This idiotic man up ideology doesn’t allow men to go through the healthy process of healing and they end up stuck in the anger stage.
The thing is ‘men can’t be fixed (by you)’. END OF STORY! Here is some wisdom to help you see why.
  1. The more you try to fix someone, the more you will end up hurting your own self.
  2. If you think you can only feel good about yourself by fixing broken people, you have issues and you need help too.
  3. Giving up on a broken man is not the same as leaving your partner alone in the lurch. We all go through hard times in our lives and need someone to love and care for us. But if this hard time is not caused by you, is giving you bruises and constant stress and involves substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs… there is no way this is ‘standing by your partner in hard times’.
  4. Emotionally unstable people need self healing often times with the help of a certified professional. You are NOT one.
  5. If it hurts, it isn’t love.
  6. Life is too short to waste on fixing someone. If anything, fix yourself.
  7. Society and family will tell you how women have been the goddesses of sacrifice and love and how you must erase your existence by your husband’s side. Well that is 18th century BULL SHIT! You are as important and have as much right to be happy as the miserable man you are trying to fix.
  8. Happiness comes when a person decides to be happy. Not when someone forces them to.
  9. No amount of ‘adjusting’ or ‘love’ or ‘gifts’ or ‘pleasing’ will change his internal problem. Rather the more you try, the further he will take you for granted. He will think that she will go to any distance to please me so why not make her do that.
  10. Love is reciprocal. If you offer love and get only abuse and violence in return, QUIT! Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that doesn’t respect your right to be happy.

Survivor Stories of Marital Rape

Re-posting from Make Love Not Rape Blog

‘I consider myself as a rape victim in marriage even though force and violence haven’t been used against me. I know many marriages are happy ones but having to stay in an unhappy marriage and carry out a sexual relationship that you no longer want but can’t refuse, is rape. I know what it’s like to sell my body in exchange for a man’s wage and some security when you have kids and when you have no money and no place to go.’ Mrs D.S

‘I slept with my young daughter on a mattress on the floor of our spare bedroom to escape being sexually used by my husband. At the time I was comparatively well paid as a sewing machine over looker but it wasn’t enough to keep the house of my own and paid childcare going, and it was only when I left him that I was given a free nursery place. In my case inequality at home reared its ugly head when I became mother, when I became a non-earner. It was clear to me that I just existed to service my husband who held back the housekeeping money if he was displeased in any way. Mrs M.B

‘I was driven to almost suicide by my husband’s unreasonable sex demands and sex without my consent was a regular occurrence. When I was beginning to think that I was to blame for not going along with his every sexual whim, he turned his sexual attention towards our children. Sexploitative pin ups, and literature that encouraged sexual violence against women and children, played a major part in his contemptuous abuse of our dependence on him.’ Mrs E.B

Continue reading on the blog here.

Why Can’t Indian Men Handle Rejection? On Daniel Fernandes’ Stand-Up Comedy #MaritalRape

I came across this video of a stand up comedian called Daniel Fernandes who talked about marital rape on stage. Skeptical and curious, I watched the clip and decided to share my thoughts with you.
He begins by saying how little we knew about marital rape which is somehow true because growing up, I never heard or read about it on any news medium. And while growing up as a girl, we hear all sorts of messages about pleasing the husband, I never heard anyone ever saying that your husband doesn’t OWN your body.

I Don’t Want My Parents to Choose My Husband. Here’s Why…

The ‘institution of Indian arranged marriage’ is more likely to kill a woman than a road accident, malaria, cancer, thunder, shark attack and war combined.

CORE LESSON- Women need to have a SAY in one of the biggest decisions of their life. A say that isn’t an outcome of emotional blackmail or guilt or shame or societal pressures.

If you are an Indian woman in your late twenties, you might discover that all of a sudden you have become an eye thorn for most of the people around you. From family members to community members, the only question you might hear is ‘why aren’t you married yet?’ This question is also peppered with some pity for you being worthless and worry for your unborn children. I was soooooooo pressured by one anty to hand her my matrimonial bio data, I ultimately made one that you can read on my blog titled Finding Me a Husband.

I am aware that men too go through this weird phase of being the object of community and family worry yet the pressure on women is way beyond comparison. The questions that are asked to my parent’s as to when are they marrying me are silencing my existence…like I’m an object to be passed from one home to another without a say.

When it comes to marriages in India, the most common notion is that if you marry out of love meaning out of your own choice, you are on your own, sometimes killed or shun in the society. The chaste, moral, traditional, cultural and non-threatening way to marry is a marraige ‘arranged’ by your parents.

The role of parents

I am a firm believer of loving your parents to death. I would sell my kidney if need be for their sake. Yet, I don’t I want them to choose my life partner. Here’s why…

1-  Placing Parent’s on a Worship Pedastal

Traditional Indian culture and religious education lay utmost importance to the respect of parents and teachers in our society. As we grow up, we are taught to be almost blind to our parent’s errors. For an Indian child, his/her parents are next to God; they never err!

This is where the problem lies. Respecting humans is a virtue enough; placing them on a pedestal next to God is unnecessary and exaggerating. Because the fact is that they are humans and they make mistakes as much as any other person. Just because they are your parents, you are programmed to be blind to their wrong doings. But this is not about blaming parents, it’s about realizing where their mentality and ideology is coming from.

Actually, I think that children being critical of their parents are a necessary element because when a child asks her parent to stop smoking or that he does not want his toys to be bought out ofblack money; this can be extremely helpful.

Coming back to the marriage arrangement, don’t blindly believe that your parent’s will choose the best partner out there because their generation was wildly different from ours.

I bet my parents don’t even know half the vocabulary I use in my everday language. Not projecting that I’m more cultured or educated; simply stating that the patterns of conversations, the ways we behave, our psychology, our attitudes, everything has wildly changed.Your parent’s may want the best for you according their INTENTIONS, yes, but the outcome may not necessarily be helpful. Read further you will find out why.

Continue reading here.

Divorced because I had Asthma. My Story

Re-posting from Make Love Not Rape Blog.

Few days ago I wrote an article stating why it is important for the man and woman to know each other on a personal level before getting into marriage.
This story of a friend of Mine is another evidence of where mindless actions can lead you to. In her words-
I had an arranged marriage. I had only seen my would- be grooms pictures and we met thrice with our families in the room.
I have had asthma since childhood. It’s not at the extreme end and with the help of inhaler it gets under control pretty quickly.
Before I got married, I asked my parents if they had informed my in laws about it. My parents were busy spending their hard earned money those days on luxury furniture, electronics and car for my dowry. Every time I would ask they would either ignore the question or burst out saying that these things must be kept secret. I insisted they tell but they warned me and said that after the wedding they would get to know eventually and they would then find a way to deal with it.
I did get married. Three days later I had the asthma attack. My husband and his family found out. They kicked me out of the house and said my family and I are fraud. All the dowry and cash my parents gave them including my gold jewelry has been with them ever since. They simply refused to return anything…
Listening to my friends story is heart breaking. Imagine the plight of a young woman getting kicked out of her house for such a silly reason.
Read the whole story here.