A guy friend of mine recently sent me a message (as we live oceans apart) about something he was freaking out about.
He had a very close male friend who had a girl friend. He had known his friend for a long time and had all those dude code, bro loyalty feelings for his friend. But on the inside he wasn’t happy.
He had seen this friend of his drink excessively, steal money from his girl friend, make her pay for his expenses, beat her up violently and to top everything off… sleep around with other women behind her back.
This had been going on for a while and he was just one of the spectators in their guy group of friends who had all been watching this. The violence of this guy had been growing substantially and at few points when he said to my friend that he might end up killing his girl friend in anger… my friend got worried.
He actually got so worried that he approached the girl behind his friend and told her about the cheating, the stealing etc. Now before you start to judge why do women stay with violent men, let’s just not forget that the guilty one here is the violent man. There could be a million reasons why she stayed and lack of support might be one.
As he said, there were so many other guys in their group who were spectators of this drama but none intervened. Even at times when they heard him beat her in the next room, no one bothered to ever be an active bystander and intervene. (This doesn’t imply that women need rescuing and are weaker and all that BS…it simply means that we all are vulnerable at some point in life and having a shoulder to cry on or another set of eyes to give us some perspective can be very helpful).
My friend finally did and when he did, the girl felt so supported she decided to escape from this control freak forever and leave the country. They decided the date and time and finally he helped her with her luggage and dropped her off to a safe new life in another land.
He told me all this because he was worried that he violated the bro code by taking side of the girl. In fact he was kind of terrified that if any one in his group came to know that he helped the girl escape; they would give him a hard time and go to any extent to take revenge. Despite all the danger and fear of ending up alone, he decided not to curb the urge to help her.
When he discussed it with me, I convinced him not to feel guilty because he did not betray his friend, he probably saved him a prison sentence considering the increasing violence and the recent police involvement. If anything he should be happy that he did the right thing.
He still seemed confused so I said-
“Imagine the guy had killed her. She could be gone from the face of earth forever. Her parents would loose their little baby girl forever. A human life erased. Would you ever forgive yourself knowing that you knew about it, you had a chance to stop that from happening, but you didn’t? “
I’m sharing this story with my readers because so many times we favor people just because we know them better than the others. Doing the right thing is always hard. But specifically in a relationship, when you see one person being violent and controlling towards the other, you cannot just make an excuse by saying “it’s their private business”.
Domestic Violence is NOT personal business, it’s a social problem.
And I was shocked to hear the attitude of his male friends about it who would still blame him for helping the girl and see this act as a betrayal.
I cannot express how proud I am of my friend. It is guys like him who bring back faith in ‘mankind’ and make me say “they are not all bad”!
When it comes down to domestic violence and rape, people instantly make it about men vs women but I urge you to think farther than that.
Because I have seen women encourage their sons and brothers to be violent with their wives!
And I have seen men get hurt and die saving their female beloved ones from rape and assault!
The truth is- crime has no gender.
If I could praise my friend openly and reward him the best guy of the year trophee, I truly would. But at this point his safety and privacy is of prime importance, hence all I can say is
please be the guy like my friend and inspire others to break off from being mute and dumb spectators of violence and bravely step in to do the right thing.