One of the regular readers of my blog who look up to me for advice recently asked me an interesting question-
She has a neighbour who is ‘happily’ (?) married and this reader is a young single woman in her mid twenties. The neighbour projects her happily married life to this reader and often makes her feel awful about her single status. That said, she also gives unsolicited advice on relationships. And based on her own experience she preaches that the only way to be with a man is to manipulate him. If you want him to dance to your tunes and do exactly what you say, you must learn manipulation tricks and always be the dominant one in the relationship.
My lovely reader has had her own share of brutal experiences during childhood and early twenties and is now more confused than ever. She seeked advice. Here’s what I think…
YES, marriage is hard work.
YES, being with a man is a challenge.
YES, there are awful men out there who manipulate women to dominate them.
But NO, I don’t recommend MANIPULATION is the only way to be in a healthy relationship with a man.
I have seen crappy marriages and I have seen arrogant women who have given terms and conditions to their husbands that they won’t ever even visit his family. One in particular is so stubborn, she stays at a five star hotel when they visit India from abroad and doesn’t honour her commitment to the husband’s family at all.
Apart from that, when she was single and the subject of finding a guy would come up, she would always say “I need to marry a guy who can buy me diamonds on window shopping.” She did find a highly qualified doctor from a wealthy family, they paid a hefty dowry so the guy was kind of auctioned to the highest bidder, this woman and now she runs their marital life in her own selfish manner.
This might work for her (temporarily). But think of that breaking point, that one day when the husband says, “I’ve had enough” or even if he doesn’t say to her face, he begins a relationship elsewhere to find someone who understands him better.
Let’s say he stays loyal. Imagine what goes on inside the brain of a manipulator.
Personally I would be stressed out to death if every second I would have to be conspiring against the man I’m with. Also interesting is that if you genuinely love your partner, you won’t feel the need to manipulate him. You only would manipulate when there’s no love, only CONTROL!
I’m not married but have been in serious relationship so I know at least for myself that controlling doesn’t make a relationship perfect.
Marriages are hard work and for them to work it can get really hard to make yourself heard. But finding ways to communicate and compromise go hand in hand.
What’s a relationship good for when it’s based on terms and conditions.
When you are with a person, instead of enjoying those moments of bonding, your brain is busy plotting and planning.
To such men and women who think that the only way to have a healthy relationship is to MANIPULATE——You’ve missed out on life!
And let me yell it out loud for all those people who think feminism is about controlling men- IT’S JUST NOT!
As a feminist as much as I do not want to be controlled and manipulated by another man, I do not want to manipulate or control anyone else either.