Manipulate Men If You Want A Happy Relationship?

One of the regular readers of my blog who look up to me for advice recently asked me an interesting question-

She has a neighbour who is ‘happily’ (?) married and this reader is a young single woman in her mid twenties. The neighbour projects her happily married life to this reader and often makes her feel awful about her single status. That said, she also gives unsolicited advice on relationships. And based on her own experience she preaches that the only way to be with a man is to manipulate him. If you want him to dance to your tunes and do exactly what you say, you must learn manipulation tricks and always be the dominant one in the relationship.

My lovely reader has had her own share of brutal experiences during childhood and early twenties and is now more confused than ever. She seeked advice. Here’s what I think…

YES, marriage is hard work.

YES, being with a man is a challenge.

YES, there are awful men out there who manipulate women to dominate them.

But NO, I don’t recommend MANIPULATION is the only way to be in a healthy relationship with a man.

I have seen crappy marriages and I have seen arrogant women who have given terms and conditions to their husbands that they won’t ever even visit his family. One in particular is so stubborn, she stays at a five star hotel when they visit India from abroad and doesn’t honour her commitment to the husband’s family at all.

Apart from that, when she was single and the subject of finding a guy would come up, she would always say “I need to marry a guy who can buy me diamonds on window shopping.” She did find a highly qualified doctor from a wealthy family, they paid a hefty dowry so the guy was kind of auctioned to the highest bidder, this woman and now she runs their marital life in her own selfish manner.

This might work for her (temporarily). But think of that breaking point, that one day when the husband says, “I’ve had enough” or even if he doesn’t say to her face, he begins a relationship elsewhere to find someone who understands him better.

Let’s say he stays loyal. Imagine what goes on inside the brain of a manipulator.

Personally I would be stressed out to death if every second I would have to be conspiring against the man I’m with. Also interesting is that if you genuinely love your partner, you won’t feel the need to manipulate him. You only would manipulate when there’s no love, only CONTROL!

I’m not married but have been in serious relationship so I know at least for myself that controlling doesn’t make a relationship perfect.

Marriages are hard work and for them to work it can get really hard to make yourself heard. But finding ways to communicate and compromise go hand in hand.

What’s a relationship good for when it’s based on terms and conditions.

When you are with a person, instead of enjoying those moments of bonding, your brain is busy plotting and planning.

To such men and women who think that the only way to have a healthy relationship is to MANIPULATE——You’ve missed out on life!

And let me yell it out loud for all those people who think feminism is about controlling men- IT’S JUST NOT!

As a feminist as much as I do not want to be controlled and manipulated by another man, I do not want to manipulate or control anyone else either. 

Peace out.

 

Stop Blaming Poor Salman And Help Him: AN OPEN LETTER TO SALMAN KHAN

For all the people highly upset with Salman Khan for his recent remarks around comparing himself with a raped woman, let’s give him a break. I mean, the poor guy doesn’t know anything about it and probably can’t understand why you are all so upset with him. So here’s an open letter to Mr Salman Khan that you and I can forward to him and help the poor soul out. (in case some dumb people didn’t get, this was sarcasm).

Dear Mr Salman Khan,

Your recent remarks have created a media storm and brought you tremendous online wrath of concerned feminists from around the world. I feel for you. It’s not a nice place when you are hated for something you ‘just said‘, right?

Let me explain this to you bit by bit so you get why people are so upset with your raped woman remark.

You compared rape with a heavy weight workout or fight scenes. There is absolutely no similarity between the two and here’s why.

Imagine yourself peacefully  watching TV in the comfort of your own home. A person whom you trust, sits by you and you talk normally. Gradually this person overpowers you in some manner. Since you are a guy, imagine that the other guy is more powerful than you or has drugged you so you cannot control your limbs.

Now imagine this guy disrobe you while you just watch in shock and horror. With or without the drug, your limbs are frozen because you cannot believe that someone whom you trusted so much can do this to you. And while you continue watching, this person penetrates you and you lie powerless feeling betrayed and dirty.

Once this guy is done with you, he threatens you not to disclose this secret with anyone and even if you did, either he might harm you again or make sure no one believes you.

How does that feel now? 

I’m sure there are no bruises! No visible cuts or marks on your physcial body.

Does this scenario feel like practicing fight scenes for a film to you???

When you do practice for a film scene and finally shoot and release that film scene into the world; does the world give you fame, wealth and respect for your work? What does a raped woman get when she discloses her ordeal to the police, the court and the society?

Does she make boat loads of money like you do?

Is she respected like a hero or shamed and blamed for what happened with her?

The reason why people are upset with you is because the irreversible psychological trauma that a rape victim goes through is so deep and painful and you just compared it with a few fight practice scenes in a moive!!!

May be you feel like rape is only physical hence the remark. But you and all your followers have no idea, you are completely oblivious to the mental shock and horror that the victim has to go through.

Hence marital rape in India is considered trivial and a non criminal act. Because people like you think that if once someone has intercourse, and when they are married, why would that make any difference. But rape is a psychological violation more than a physical violation. The bruises carved deep in the minds of victims are not seen by you and your followers and I can only hope that you at least try.

I urge you to recognise this and invite you to be a student of women’s issues. You have a mother and sister at home. It’s not like you are out of touch with women and do not know what their lives are like. Take deeper interest and ask them questions. Learn from them and other smarter women about what it’s like to be a woman in the Indian society and specially what it’s like to have your psychological and physical integrity violated by someone.

Being human is about caring for all humans; not just men. Rape victims are humans too. Respect them at least if you cannot do anything else for them.

Peace,

Shahla