My best friend and I were having a conversation about someone today. She seemed to be worried about the daughter of one of their family friends. That little girl, about 12-3 years old is raised by her grandma.
My friend began her conversation by asking –
“How can mothers be so selfish and awful?”
And then she went on to diss the woman who is allegedly a bad mother because she fell in love with some other man and divorced her husband and left the little daughter behind.
While I don’t want to comment on that mother who left the daughter with the husband alone, because I don’t know her side of the story… let’s assume she is a bad mother because she abandoned her daughter and moved on in life to live with some man she fell in love with.
To call such a mother selfish and narcissistic would be fair. But not once I heard from her a word about the man. She only continued to claim what a loving father he is.
I asked how. The father lives in Abu Dhabi and is a busy man. The daughter who is now a teenager is raised by the grandma.
I asked her why doesn’t the father keep the daughter with him in UAE. And pat came the flood of patriarchal excuses that has been giving an easy pass to men when it comes to raising children or caring for the elderly.
He is a busy man.
He has a job.
He often travels. Bla bla bla
I asked her if a single mother, any single mother who has a job abandons her kids to be raised by grandparents, would you feel the same?
My own sister and her daughter when she was 4, were abandoned by her husband five years ago. My sister although lives in my parents home but has been raising that little girl on her own. My sister struggled, tried doing business, appeared for several exams, interviews and has few opportunities waiting to come to fruition while she is teaching in a school, just to raise some money so her girl has some sort of sustenance from one parent at least.
My sister is also about to go to UAE for her job and two years before this happened, she was already researching schools, creches, babysitters etc and whatever hurdles he might face as a single mother.
I know several other women who either got a divorce or their men abandoned them and they are proud single moms. They work outside, earn a living as well as raise their kids. Sometimes with the slight help of relatives, friends or paid sitters and other times all by themselves.
Yet, I am not aware of one man, a single man who is a single dad, raising kids on his own.
When a woman abandons her kids and moves on in life, she is selfish but when a man does the same, we don’t even bat an eye. Why is that?
My friend started her conversation dissing the mother but by the end when I asked her all these questions, she was provoked to consider why can’t a man keep his teenage daughter with him if he claims to love her?
No one can replace the love of a parent. No matter how much the grandma and the uncles and aunts love her, the emotional security she can avail with her father is incomparable. Yet, his excuses are all we hear.
My friend also said in his defense that she doesn’t think he would do that on purpose. That made me point out the life of a single man where he is free as a bird, date, do casual hookups, do anything as he pleases. But having a teenage daughter at home is responsibility. You got to feed her, get home on time in the evening, check up on her school, homework etc and a million other things that countless moms do every single day like a boss. But men… no way.
Men have this ingrained in their brains that child-rearing is not their job. They totally see themselves as separate from this responsibility and do the talk talk talk… All words and no actions are BS.
Think about it- how many single dads do you know?