Why Women Ask ‘How’s Dinner’ and How To Answer That Correctly

I know some men cook but as surveys, media and my own eyes tell me, women are the primary cooks in every house, in every country.

There is a thing with women though.

While you were busy playing video games, arguing with your mates about politics or watching the latest Die Hard on TV, she was probably slaving in the kitchen, making meals for you, your kids and in case of India, also your entire family.

When women serve you dinner on the table or bed or sofa,

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and you begin eating, they probably would ask you “so, how’s dinner?”

More often than not, they get the wrong answers.

Too salty.

Too greasy.

Too crispy.

Too chewy.

Too burnt.

I don’t like this.

Bla bla

You see, there is a right way to answer it. And that is:

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The thing is, after slaving in the kitchen for two hours, looking after the kids and most probably lots of other chores, when someone still does something for you, they are NOT looking for you to go all judgy-MasterChef on them.

What they want is APPRECIATION.

And since you are too busy watching TV to even notice, she has to ask you if you like your food. Just say thanks and something nice about it and shut it.

You may ask- what if the food is genuinely bad? Salty? Burnt? Crispy?

Of course, in that case, you don’t have to appreciate the food or eat it.

In that case, go to the kitchen and cook your food yourself!

Clearly, she is unskilled in that department and you need to do the cooking.

So, go to the kitchen, cook something nice and bring her some too, cause you know, what is she going to eat if the other food was burnt.

That’s how to correctly answer the question: How’s Dinner. 

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We Need To Talk About Men’s Entitlement to Women’s Explicit Photos & Videos

“A recent study has shown just how common it is for teen boys to coerce or threaten girls into sending nude pictures: an analysis of 500 accounts from 12- to 18-year-old girls about negative experiences sexting found that two-thirds of them had been asked to provide explicit images — and that the requests often progressed from promises of affection to “anger displays, harassment and threats.” In an article about the study for The New York Times, psychologist Lisa Damour writes, “Teenagers are drafted into a sexual culture that rests on a harmful premise: on the heterosexual field, boys typically play offense and girls play defense… Most schools and many parents already tell teenagers not to send sexualized selfies. But why don’t we also tell adolescents to stop asking for nude photos from one another?”

‘Send Nudes’- A New Study Shows How Often Boys Pressure Girls For Explicit Photos

While I was ending school, personal mobile phones were becoming common and home video cameras were still a luxury for some but gaining a place in society slowly.

As the use of technology grew, so did the pressure from men. Sometimes this would be for sending explicit pictures, sometimes to do video chats in skimpy clothing and other times just sex chat with explicit language.

I always had reservations and never, ever gave in to such pressure simply because I am a shy person and never felt that the pressure and threats from the man in question were a reason enough for me to withdraw my personal boundaries. In fact, I blew off several guys who were pretending to be ‘friends’ but turned out were just perverts that today we call ‘fuck boys’.

Years passed and now I am in my early 30s.

But guess what?

The pressure from men has not gone down.

Recently, I was catching up after 10 years with a guy friend who I had never met but had text and Skype conversations with at times. This guy had revealed his liking for me in the past and asked if I would consider marrying him.

Considering that I am still single and have no plans to tie the knot, you can imagine how ridiculous the idea of marriage was to me back then.

Anyway, he got married and now has 2 young daughters about 6 and below, the pictures of whom he often shares on his timeline.

Catching up with him after 10 years on FB Messenger was a delight. I thought it would be good to know how life has treated him and exchange some grown-up talks on a lazy evening.

Unfortunately, he had different ideas.

For him, the conversation was about how awful his wife was despite working as a teacher and looking after the household chores entirely alone. And then it came down to turning the video camera on and posing.

I agreed to talk on a WhatsApp call after a ton of please..please and begging.

And while we talked he was worried that if he wanted to talk the next day, would I still take his call. Actually, his wife was visiting her parents for a few days and he wanted to make the most of his time by flirting with women.

The next day when he called, I was in the bathtub and when he began pushing for the camera, I told him I cannot and knowing about the bathtub his pervert inner self just jumped out of his balls and he began pushing madly to turn the camera on.

The guy is blocked till eternity so that was the end of that. But did it really have to go like that?

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Why do men feel it is OK to bluntly ask women to send nudes or sext or come on video and worse, why do they handle the rejection so bad?

The article I talked about in the beginning was about teenagers but even as grown-ups, that entitlement from men does not stop, does it?

And I have no words for the manipulation they try to trap you in when you say NO.

They will appear all sad and try to make you feel sorry and pity for them.

Then they will try anger and the ‘I won’t talk to you either’ threats.

And ultimately when they go out of patience, they even abuse and say all sorts of curses because they did not get their way.

We are talking about teenage men but grown-up men, father of two young daughters… when they have no respect for boundaries and exploit every second the wife is away to flirt and fuck with other women, what can we expect them to teach the younger generation of men?

 

 

3 Things Men Must Learn From Liam Neeson’s Rape-Revenge Fantasy and Racism Row

I’m sure you may have come across this news about Hollywood actor Liam Neeson’s comment on a movie junket about this deep revenge urge.

Basically,  a friend of his who was raped about 40 years ago had confided in him and Liam talked about his reaction to the news.

And his reaction had 3 major points:

1-The urge to lash out
2-The need to defend her honor
3-The desire for revenge

Before we go ballistic on him criticizing him, calling him a racist, let’s focus on the fact that Liam was not ‘caught’ being racist. He in fact admitted to having this hatred that he felt. There are 3 things to note:

1- Admitting the fact that this happened
2- Willingness to change and learn (still continues)
3- Sought help after

Trevor Noah has the most logical take on this issue which summed up to: people have taken it more seriously than they should because it’s Liam Neeson. Also, Liam going around saying he’s not a racist is just making it worst.
Of course, it was racism, hatred against the entire community for the crime of one.
Muslims would secretly be muttering “been there, felt that”!

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But the point here is that aside from the race aspect, the most important thing is absolutely undiscussed.
What help did he offer to that friend?
Did she visit the doctor?
Did she get the appropriate help from the police if she reported?
Could she report it?
What was it /would have been the consequences of openly admitting to being a rape victim?
How did his Catholic community treat rape victims and what help was provided?

Just like this incident, a million movies are made where the rape of a woman is used merely as a plot point that unleashed the wrath of the powerful male protagonist and women are reduced to mere props and eye candy.

What men need to learn from this incident is that this is NOT ABOUT THEIR REVENGE THEIR FEELINGS, THEIR HONOR OR THEIR WOMEN.

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It’s about the woman in question and for once in your lifetime just please take the backseat and ask what does she want. How she feels. What could you do to help?

Don’t make it impossible for her to share her pain with you because she may already be feeling guilty (as society does a very good job of blaming women for rape) , upon that when you lay the burden of a revenge murder or revenge rape on her, she may take her secret to the grave but never share it with you as she may fear you going to prison and that would also be somehow upon her.

Does that make any sense at all, guys?

What Liam did well was:
Admitting his act
Talking about bigotry
Urging to have difficult discussions on race and toxic masculinity
Willing to learn and look for the teachable moment

The 3 things you should thus learn from this incident are:

1- When a woman confesses her pain to you, keep your savior/knight in shining armor cape aside and just be there for her, empathize with her.

2- After listening, ask what she wants, what is her wish, how does she want to deal with it. Don’t force her to tell the police or family and neither force her to hide. Let her take the wheel of her life and let her decide what she feels is best for her.

3- Don’t lash out to hurt other people in order to take some sort of ‘revenge’. Not against the people of that race/religion and not against the women of the rapists family either.

I had a friend who once confessed to her husband about her rape incident and the husband was insistent that he will have revenge by raping the sister of the rapist.

Ultimately, it is an innocent woman who will suffer the consequences of a man’s actions. Please don’t fulfill your rape fantasies and justify them as ‘revenge’ for the pain caused to your wife/girlfriend.

Yes, it is awful to see your friend or wife as a victim of rape, traumatic even.

But remember you are not the primary victim here. Try to be there for the rape victim who actually suffered that trauma instead of acting out in a way that is the opposite of helpful.

Why Both Hindus & Muslims Need To Shove Their Judgments About Khatija, A.R. Rahman’s Daughter

So, only if you live under a rock, you may not have heard the song Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire movie and be unaware of world-famous musician A.R.Rahman.

These days his daughter is in the news and not for the reasons one might expect.

She was spotted in a complete Hijab in a couple of places and people took notice.

She was also invited for a show on TV where she interviewed her Dad in a hijab.

Quint had a blog story about it.

Both Hindus and Muslims in India had opinions on her attire and both need to just f”””k off, excuse my french.

Just take a look at the comments under the Quint article.

 

 

 

To sum it up for you, Muslims defend her hijab because ‘a woman is a pearl, chocolate, gold (some object that needs protection).’

And for non-Muslims, the judgment is all for being non-progressive, anti-women and offensive.

IT IS NEITHER!

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Khatija is an enterprising young woman who is very much capable of making her own choices and decisions. And her hijab is NOT FORCED by the males in the family.

It is as normal as a man wearing pants to work. Whether women wear skirts, saree, pants or hijab, it is great as long as she is the decision maker behind that attire.

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And for non-muslims, please focus on your religion because not one religion in the world is without sexist traditions and customs. So let the woman do what she wants and please get this stupid notion out of your mind that every woman who wears a hijab is somehow living under Al-Qaeda. THEY ARE NOT!

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Muslim women are NOT forced by Islamic laws to wear a hijab.

Islam prescribes ‘modesty’ and respect for the opposite gender, which is mandatory on BOTH GENDERS and not just women.

So inquire first before passing judgments, they just make you look stupid.

And lastly, as a believer of equal rights and feminism, if you demand women’s rights to wear what they want, I hope those rights include a woman’s right to wear hijab and a man’s right to wear skirts… not just white girls in bikinis.

Why Piers Morgan Shouldn’t Have Asked If Co Host Susanna Reid is Doing The Janu-hairy thing #GMB

Let me begin by explaining what is Januhairy month.

Body positivity has become sort of mainstream, albeit very slowly but thankfully it is at least talked about. One part of it is body hair. Every normal human being has hair, all genders.

Yet while no one bats an eyelid on men like this

10anil-kapoor

women, on the other hand, are socially shamed for keeping their body au natural.

This double standard towards body hair is pervasive and sexist and hence, Januhairy is a body positivity movement in which women are sharing pictures of their unshaven bodies on social media and breaking the taboos, showing off to the world their natural beautiful selves without the ton of grooming.

As you can guess from the expression on Piers’ face from this image below, he looks disgusted:

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Piers made it personal and asked co-star Susanna if she personally would take part in the movement and go unshaven for the month.

While on the surface the question might sound logical and straight forward, but it is absolutely idiotic and offensive and let me explain why.

I personally hate this idea that women have to follow such a strict rule of beauty standards and keep their bodies certain ways in order to be not looked down upon in the society. But this wokeness or sense of self came to me when I was over 25.

Sadly, since I was a teenager, the messages I received from the society and friends were the stereotypical white skin color preferring, highly damaging beauty ideals very common in India. This involved going hairless.

Although I never did bleach my skin to lighten it, I was forced to get my eyebrows shaped by my sister who also introduced me to waxing and stuff.

In conclusion, I did groom my eyebrows and shave elsewhere. The grooming became a habit so routine that I cannot go 5 days without removing the hair now. And if I don’t remove the hair, I cannot fall asleep at night due to the irritation and the pokes of the stubble.

As much as I love this idea of embracing our body in its natural form and not shaving any hair to please the people around… I am now eternally under the curse of it.

This is why asking such a question to any woman is a highly offensive thing because you are asking a woman to reveal her grooming habits to you-who the fuck are you, who gave you the right to ask a personal question like this?

You are allowed to support a social movement without actively participating in it. Same goes with religions and cultures. You are and should appreciate other peoples religious practices without practicing them personally. Because there may be more hiding underneath the surface. Like my case in which I support the movement, and I would want to participate but unfortunately, it is too late for me because now my body is already in such a stage. But this is my individual case.

Other women, especially younger girls who are developing body hair must not fall into the same trap as we did. Hence it is absolutely crucial to talk about and spread the social message of the body positivity movement and take a strong stand against body hair shaming in order to save young girls.

It is very simple if you think about it. Society has always had different rules for men and women and when it comes to beauty, men have always gotten an easy pass while women have gone through painful procedures and expensive hectic beauty regimens in order to look beautiful and young because physical appearance is how a woman’s worth was/is judged in our society.

It’s 2019 and this notion of a woman’s worth based on her physical attributes alone is still very much prevalent. The Januhairy movement is a very tiny body positivity movement to tell women they don’t have to follow such ridiculous rules in order to look beautiful.

And then there are people like Piers Morgan. I used to adore this guy but he has just lost his respect in my eyes lately.

Single Mothers Are Everywhere But Where Are The Single Dads?

My best friend and I were having a conversation about someone today. She seemed to be worried about the daughter of one of their family friends. That little girl, about 12-3 years old is raised by her grandma.

My friend began her conversation by asking –

“How can mothers be so selfish and awful?”

And then she went on to diss the woman who is allegedly a bad mother because she fell in love with some other man and divorced her husband and left the little daughter behind.

While I don’t want to comment on that mother who left the daughter with the husband alone, because I don’t know her side of the story… let’s assume she is a bad mother because she abandoned her daughter and moved on in life to live with some man she fell in love with.

To call such a mother selfish and narcissistic would be fair. But not once I heard from her a word about the man. She only continued to claim what a loving father he is.

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I asked how. The father lives in Abu Dhabi and is a busy man. The daughter who is now a teenager is raised by the grandma.

I asked her why doesn’t the father keep the daughter with him in UAE. And pat came the flood of patriarchal excuses that has been giving an easy pass to men when it comes to raising children or caring for the elderly.

He is a busy man.

He has a job.

He often travels.  Bla bla bla

I asked her if a single mother, any single mother who has a job abandons her kids to be raised by grandparents, would you feel the same?

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My own sister and her daughter when she was 4, were abandoned by her husband five years ago. My sister although lives in my parents home but has been raising that little girl on her own. My sister struggled, tried doing business, appeared for several exams, interviews and has few opportunities waiting to come to fruition while she is teaching in a school, just to raise some money so her girl has some sort of sustenance from one parent at least.

My sister is also about to go to UAE for her job and two years before this happened, she was already researching schools, creches, babysitters etc and whatever hurdles he might face as a single mother.

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I know several other women who either got a divorce or their men abandoned them and they are proud single moms. They work outside, earn a living as well as raise their kids. Sometimes with the slight help of relatives, friends or paid sitters and other times all by themselves.

Yet, I am not aware of one man, a single man who is a single dad, raising kids on his own.

When a woman abandons her kids and moves on in life, she is selfish but when a man does the same, we don’t even bat an eye. Why is that?

My friend started her conversation dissing the mother but by the end when I asked her all these questions, she was provoked to consider why can’t a man keep his teenage daughter with him if he claims to love her?

No one can replace the love of a parent. No matter how much the grandma and the uncles and aunts love her, the emotional security she can avail with her father is incomparable. Yet, his excuses are all we hear.

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My friend also said in his defense that she doesn’t think he would do that on purpose. That made me point out the life of a single man where he is free as a bird, date, do casual hookups, do anything as he pleases. But having a teenage daughter at home is responsibility. You got to feed her, get home on time in the evening, check up on her school, homework etc and a million other things that countless moms do every single day like a boss. But men… no way.

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Men have this ingrained in their brains that child-rearing is not their job. They totally see themselves as separate from this responsibility and do the talk talk talk… All words and no actions are BS.

Think about it- how many single dads do you know?

 

The Sexist Stereotype of Women’s Obsession With Shoes Needs to Die. Here’s Why.

How many times have you been criticized for buying shoes and bags?

How many times did you yourself think you are crazy and obsessed with shoes and bags or any other such item?

We live in a society that is literally built on targeting women and using any and every opportunity to label women as crazy, psychotic and obsessed or worse money spenders because women in many households in the past and even today are not earning money, so they obviously do not understand the ‘value of money’ (or so they say).

BREAKING NEWS:

It’s a horrible stereotype that needs to die. 

Have you ever in your life, on TV, on social media, in films or in general conversations, heard about men’s obsession with sneakers?

And I’m not talking just about a pair of jogging shoes… I’m talking $800 and up shoes that go up to $8000???

If you haven’t then check this out:

So, when I saw this TED talk, the first thing that came to my mind was that how come I have seen women criticized for buying shoes countless times but not once have I ever heard someone criticizing a man for owning $800 plus sneakers or owning more than 500 pairs at a time?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that owning 500 pairs of shoes is a great, a healthy habit or spending $800 on a pair of shoes is a wise decision. Not talking about its value as an investment either.

And I don’t even want to go into the morality of how much difference could be made in someone’s life with that kind of money. Because we live in times where the self comes first and owning a lot more is rewarded while owning too little is mocked.

But what behooves me is the double standard of it all. The hypocrisy and audacity of men to mock and criticize women when you are no better.

We all have passions, (hopefully, that rely less on addiction and hoarding) but nevertheless, we do have things we love and like to collect. That’s awesome.

Yet, blaming women for liking something while calling your ‘hoarding’ a passion and a hobby is beyond disgust.

The next time you hear this stereotype, please show this video and level the playing field in the area of shoe obsession and money wasting.

Hoarders equality!

Men Are Angry & It’s Killing Them aka Heart Disease. Here’s How To Help.

We live in a society that idolizes angry men.

Just look randomly at a bunch of men’s magazines. How many do you see smiling and happy?

Its considered sexy on men to be angry, gloomy and gangster.

While this look may work on a magazine cover or a seductive perfume ad or a movie poster, but in real life it is killing men.

Penn psychologists did this amazing research study in which using big data, they analyzed what words people use on their social media and is there any link between those words/moods with heart disease.

I know it sounds like two different things but stick with me. Here is the word cloud that suggested the most used words from men’s profiles.

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Notice the use of cuss words. Overall the use of these words does not suggest positivity or a beautiful, meaningful life. In fact, from this word cloud alone, we can sum up what we have taught men:

1- Use cuss words and be angry at petty things, that will make you look masculine.

2- Guns, warfare, military type hobbies or interests that will perpetuate violence.

3- Competition and fight are good but not sharing and caring.

This worries me deeply for my unborn sons. I do not want to raise little boys to be violent, disturbed little creatures whose only self-worth depends on being hurtful to others and themselves.

On the other hand, let’s see what the word cloud from women’s profiles indicate:

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Looking at the word cloud we can see these are the things women care about:

1- Relationships

2- Loving, caring and doing things to keep up the home.

3- Shopping because let us be honest when women take care of the kitchen and the household, of course, they are the ones who pick groceries because they would know what to pick for the day to day running of the household.

4- Food. Women like to express there love for food.

5- Feelings play a big part there. And positive feelings of happiness and joy.

Now let’s look at the link:

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The world oppresses women in many different ways but can we just agree that TOXIC MASCULINITY is literally killing the men in our lives and can we stop idolizing angry men already?

How many male suicides is it going to take for people to realize that boxing up your emotions and not sharing will ultimately kill?

If you are a guy who has some worries or just feel angry and depressed, there is a lot you can do.

Firstly, you can join a local support group or a FACEBOOK group where you can share and listen to others in a similar situation.

Secondly, you can seek proper therapy through a certified professional.

Thirdly, if it all seems too overwhelming, TALK TO ME. Yes, I am a non-judgmental stranger who has a solid background in emotional trauma and is also a student of Positive Psychology. I am not going to be a replacement for a therapist but can be a listening ear, sometimes that all we need- to be heard!

3 Happy & 3 Sad Feelings About #MeToo Reaching Google…

So, today:

#googlewalkout #google

Google employees walk out to protest alleged sexism, inequality

As I watched the news pouring in, I had strongly mixed feelings.

The sad part first- 

1- It makes me sad to see that in 2018 women are unsafe in the worlds most highly rated and recognized corporate organization. Not just unsafe but also not equally paid.

2- Its also sad to see that the internal policies and corporate cultures aren’t inclusive at all because if they were, this protest would not be needed.

3- The problem of sexual misconduct and gender pay inequality is universal across the globe, which means not one country, not one culture, not one office is immune to these issues.

The happy part is-

1- Googlers saw this as not just women’s issue like most of the society typically sees it but they saw it as a worker’s issue and both MEN and women walked out in protest. I can’t express how much admiration I hold for men who are true allies when it comes to sexual violence in society. I know, this is the basic standard of behavior, men wouldn’t get any brownie points if they came out in support of climate change. But sadly, our society is in such a place that it is so rare to see men taking accountability and for once not siding with the bros and standing up for what is right.

2- No particular location of Google office decided to ignore this in order to save jobs or get in the good books of the senior management. In my book, Lean on What, I have written in depth about how power dynamics within the STEM fields play a role in keeping women oppressed and how their only option is to quit. No person wants to talk let alone protest on these issues for the fear of losing their jobs. The fact that Googlers all over the world participated in this protest is a sign of pure revolution and a positive one.

3- If giants like Google will start taking sexual assault seriously and pay their employees equally regardless of their gender, the rest of the world might follow them and even if at a glacial rate we see change, it is still worth it.

Google’s reactions and the efforts that are being put in place now some relief and if there is follow through, this would be a true leadership move on part of Google.

Respects to all Googlers around the world who walked out today and created history.

1 girl lied=Never trust any woman but 1000 men rape= #NotAllMen [Kudos Hypocrites]

Ever wondered what it feels like to be a woman?

This morning my Facebook timeline showed a post about some girl in Goa who did not accept an apology from a man who sexually assaulted her and taught him some kind of lesson.

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My post, however, is not about that girl but some guy who made the most intelligent comment you will ever read on the internet:

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Out of a 1000 molested girls, if 1 or 2 lied, men are finding it hard to trust women!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So based on this logic, because few men were sent to jail for rape, isn’t it hard to believe all men?

And anytime a woman blurts a single word, there comes the storm of #NotAllMen

From the day a girl is mature enough to take instructions, she is told to stay away from guys, not trust men, don’t party with them, don’t hang out with guys…

And when you ask why then you are told: “because all of them want only one thing from women- SEX”!

And God forbid someday a girl comes out with her #MeToo story, all she hears is how she might be the deluded one.

Kudos society!