There’s A Reason Why People Blame Rape Victims Not Offenders & It Will Chill You To The Bone!

How many times have we come across statements from politicians blaming rape victims for the rape instead of the offenders?
There comes a point when the entire generation starts to believe in it, the whole society believes that if a woman is out in the night or wearing a mini skirt or going out with different guys or works in a pub, she ‘invited’ it.
The director of India’s top investigation agency faced fierce criticism over his controversial comment, “if you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it”
Read further here on MAKE LOVE NOT RAPE BLOG.
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3 Things That Must be Banned in India Instead of Beef and Porn

This year India has witnessed the most extreme series of events. I don’t know if it’s always been like this and only now I have noticed but seems like its not just me, many people on the social media agree that we are living in a very important time in history. An interesting pic I came across yesterday from the Liberal Indian :

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While I’m not a fan of bans and the likes, bans in India seem to have become a fashion statement for the government. So I thought while we are at it, why don’t I write about what 3 things I want banned…

  1. Same sex schools and colleges– I explained this point some time ago in length in an article I wrote for The Milli Gazette. I wrote it for Muslim readers’ view point but the logic is universally applicable. Here it is:

Mistakes, Muslim parents make while deciding schools for their children.

We already are well aware of the thin literacy rates among Indian Muslims. A large majority of this thin population is sent only to same gender schools. I remember, while I studied in Lucknow (a city with dense Muslim population), I never had more than four Muslims in my classroom. The conventional Islamic wisdom of men and women gatherings in separate areas is well lived until today. Sadly, it makes Indian Muslims look like a bunch of double standard, non secular hobbits who cannot be loyal friends with anyone. Non Muslims also send their children to same gender schools, not just Muslims, but they have different reasons. Most importantly, is it worth it?

As far as imagination can possibly think, the main reason for choosing same gender school for their kids is because these parents are afraid that their children might get attracted to the opposite gender and do un-Islamic things which bring shame upon the family. They might elope or get into wrong company. Their hearts might close to Islam and they may adopt non Islamic habits and rituals etc. think about it honestly, cant they do all this stuff in the same gender schools?

For a moment, let us consider what happens when you send your child to a same sex school. Since, this axe befalls on the female gender largely, think about an all girls school. When your kid see only girls around, the first impression she gets as a child, is that a boy is forbidden. As human psychology dictates, this creates an extra curiosity and interest in your girls mind about the opposite gender. What did curiosity do to the cat, remember? The same happens with the growing young woman and she finds it more and more rebellious to just speak with a man, which incites her curiosity furthermore. In a co education school system, this barely happens because gender disparity is negligible and young boys and girls interact with each other WITHOUT considering the gender in the weird way.

Another important element missing in a same gender school is the gender related etiquette. In a girl’s college, for example, girls gossip and talk about issues and the opposite gender in the rudest manner possible. If a girl student’s brother is lost alone in the corridors of a girl’s school, he is most certainly going to be bullied, if not harassed. While in a co education school system, both the girls and boys learn to behave and interact with each other respectfully and un- offensively. By separating our girls and boys at the very young age, we are creating an unnecessary sexual tension between our kids and killing their opportunity to learn how to behave with the opposite gender.

 India is a multi cultural nation and you cannot guarantee that the next place your daughter will visit will be an all women kind of a place, professionally or personally. NO, you cannot guarantee that. But what is guaranteed to happen is that when a young woman who has never interacted with the opposite gender has to speak with him for any reason, she either gets nervous (then suffers from gender inferiority complex) or she feels she has met the man of her life (as she does not know any other men at all). This same gender ideology works in Saudi Arabia because the nation is accustomed to it BY DESIGN, India is NOT! India is a secular nation and this makes an Indian Muslim truly unique and commendable, because of the challenges they face and the cultural dilemma they solve in everyday life. I remember a friend who got so frustrated with her parents, isolating her from the opposite gender (not letting her work or study), saying “why don’t they even marry me to a woman, if the thought of any man even speaking with me bugs them so badly”.

Moving with age, a young woman who has been sent to a same gender school always, will most certainly be married in the conventional “arranged” manner, (if she has not already eloped with the milk man or the newspaper guy or the plumber). Arranged marriages have been running in India for centuries and most people take pride in this tradition, basing it on the statistics of success rates of such marriages. This is why Social Sciences and qualitative research is a thriving profession now because numbers DON’T tell you the whole story. The reason for the success rates of arranged marriages is because most of these girls have been educated in same gender schools, if at all educated. They suffer from gender inferiority complex and personality disorders. Their development and growth only includes the vague notions of old cultures placing women under the feet of men. I remember the words of a close friend, struggling to make her marriage work, “I cannot enter Paradise, unless my husband agrees to it”. Women are made to think that their deen, dunya and akhira are dependent completely on their husband, no matter how big of a jerk he is. Arranged marriages are not necessarily happy marriages, in fact not marriages at all in many cases. They are only deals and compromises where women are forced to stay with their jerk-of-a-husband because they are aware that they will be blamed if the marriage snaps. They will also be looked down upon if they go back and live with their parents and if they have children, their life becomes all the more hell.

In a way, we have closed all doors for Indian Muslim women. You did not educate them enough so that they can go out and earn a decent living for their sake. The result is that they have to slave themselves for their entire lives for a man who does not deserve them, to run a marriage which is more of a money vs woman’s beauty deal and to win the approval of a society which blames women and makes her pay the price of even just being a woman. On the other hand, women who study in co education school systems may be out going and career oriented. And yes, they may consider their options and bring a man home to introduce to their family. Doesn’t it actually solve the whole “searching process” for the family and makes their life much easier? And yes, the divorce rates for arranged turned love marriages may be higher. But the only reality that indicates is that these women were strong enough to come out of relationships in which they were not appreciated and are now enjoying freedom. This is why Allah (s.w.t) said that divorce is NOT forbidden. It is least preferred by Him, but yet not forbidden.

Thus, it all starts from an early age when your kids barely understand what gender means. As parents you chose for them and Allah (s.w.t) has ordained you to choose the best for your children. Sending your girl to an all girl’s school will NOT necessarily make her a pious girl and sending your son to an all boy’s school will neither make him a women-respecting, non violent, sensitive gentleman. It is YOUR upbringing that will make your daughter a pious woman and your son a gentleman. Small minds work that way- considering that an all girl’s school will solve all the problems of your life. India is a country where gender disparity shows its ugly face in the form of barbaric incidents. If you want to keep your daughters safe, teach your sons to respect and protect women. And start it from the school.

2- Arranged marriages– This goes without much explanation. If you’ve been following my blog you already know my views about arranged marriages. Marriage is a two people act. It must be mutual and out of free will. My post specifically on this topic is here:

I Don’t Want My Parents to Choose My Husband. Here’s Why…

3- Bribery- This is pretty self explanatory-

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If you were in power and you could ban few things, what would your choices be?

Share your comments and please share the post among people who might enjoy it.

Thanks for reading, take care.

Ciao!

5 Secret Reasons Why (Most) Indian Parents Push Their Kids to Get Married by 23?

Marriages are beautiful and made in heaven. We all were told that, right?
Nothing could be farther from the truth. Marriages are made in the minds of our parents for one of the following reasons:
  1. In fear that their child will begin dating or would have the freedom to hook up.
  2. To flaunt to their relatives, friends and neighbors how wealthy they are.
  3. To establish that their child is grown up and is moving to the next stage of life by everyone’s approval.
  4. To share 10 times filtered and photo-shopped pictures on Facebook.
  5. The last one is gender specific-
a) Men- so that a free, domestic servant for life can serve the family and the mother-in-law who had been taking care of the grown up son until now, can dump those responsibilities on the bride.
b)Women- afraid that she might get pregnant before marriage or elope or get ‘out of their hands’ in some way- taming women is tough so its better if the husband and his family members handle the reigns asap.
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Someone in the back bench just yelled-
They want their child to be happy???????????
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I disagree to this one because if they wanted their children to be happy, marriage is not license for happiness. More importantly if their happiness meant anything, they would let their children choose their life partners.
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Before you judge me for being disrespectful, let me tell you that I’m happily single and independent and I’m where I’m because I don’t have an elder brother who can support my parents when the time comes. Neither my family has access to some benefits or pensions that can keep things running for them. My choice to establish a career and then think of marriage (if ever) is for the sake of my parents. Instead of marrying off like my sisters and cousins when they were 23, I decided to stay single and I’m proud of my decision.
If you really love your parents, you do not have to do whatever they spoon feed to you. Be a matured individual first ‘because you cannot pour from an empty cup’. To be able to say that you’re a great child, begin with
1-not pressuring them for dowry if you’re a woman.
As far as parents are concerned, Indian parenting seriously needs to be recycled. Beginning with Bollywood and terrible Ekta Kapoor serials where women are nothing but self sacrificing saints or devils-nothing in between. Please parents, re-consider your parenting and stop forcing your children to get married.
And yes, marriages are not made in heaven but in expensive 5 star hotels with the help of multi cuisine serving caterers and the likes. If they were made in heaven, no one would ever have gotten divorced. Let’s ditch those floozy ideas and live in the real world where unmarried couples sometimes without an official paper, survive hardships for decades and marriages consist of domestic violence, marital rape, dowry deaths and painful divorces.
There are good marriages as well where both the husband and wife share happy and balanced relationships. But if you cannot decide your own partner for life, I don’t think you’re matured enough to start a relationship because relationships need a lot of growing up, emotional maturity and compatibility.
Please share your thoughts and spread the message 🙂

If It’s Marriage,Then How Can It Be Rape???

Last night I saw the YouTube series by Yashraj Films called Man’s World.
If you haven’t seen it already, you must waste not one more second.
In the first episode when Kiran, the protagonist is frustrated with feminism and women’s rights, he has a chat in the pub with his friend about marital rape where he fails to understand what it is. He blatantly says;
If It’s Marriage,Then How Can It Be Rape???
In the last episode when the world is flipped and women enjoy the privileges that currently men hold, ‘marital rape’ comes up again.
Only this time it’s not in just a conversation but in action.
You can watch the last episode here:
The entire series have been nothing short of an Oscar level performance for screenplay and plotting. Each oppression of a young woman’s life is so well defined and relevant. Indian men never have to live through it, they have no idea what it’s like to sweat in the kitchen for hours because they haven’t been there for more than 3 seconds.
But speaking particularly about ‘marital rape’…
The director has portrayed it as what it is. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words and in the digital age, a 3 second video is worth a thousand pictures.
Being helpless, having no say in your life and having no consent makes a person less than human. It becomes more of a master and his property relationship. Sadly, millions of Indian women go through this oppression but never say a word about it.
The very few who have dared to speak on the subject are the ones whose husbands were not only raping them but also using lethal objects to injure their bodies.
Since in this scene from the series, there is no injury or beating up or marks of violence, one can easily assume it’s NOT rape.
People forget that what differentiates a rape from sex is consent. You and I or the Police or the court has no idea if the person had consented for sexual intercourse or not. We can never assume consent on the basis of:
  • their dress
  • their relationship
  • their location
  • their lifestyle
  • their habits
  • their sexual history
  • or any god damn thing in the world….
Only the two people between whom this happens, know whether there was mutual consent or not. And most of the time when someone say they didn’t consent but were still forced, they are NOT LYING!
We began MAKE LOVE NOT RAPE because our society doesn’t even see marital rape as something real just like the protagonist of this series Man’s World.
Hence one of the purposes of this campaign is to raise awareness about the issue of marital rape and create enough noise to echo the pain of victims and survivors loud enough for  the government officials who can put a law in place. WE HAVE NONE AT THE MOMENT!
If this video series Man’s World has changed you in anyway, please sign this petition and help us make a difference.