Are You Celebrating Valentine’s Day With The Wrong Person? These 5 Facts Will Answer Your Question.

Yes, it’s February. The month when the snow starts to melt and the layers of wool from our bodies drop. With all the pre-Spring chirp in the air, there’s also thoughts and plans for Valentine’s Day.

For couples its about planning what to gift, how to celebrate, where to visit… is that a proposal I smell (wink wink) and for the single ones its either a night at home watching ‘Orange is the new black’ for the 11th time

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OR a brunch with family and friends.

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Now, I’m not going to educate you about the history and significance of St. Valentine and the importance of this adorable day (I’m guessing you already know about it)but I’m going to talk about LOVE in a very different light.

LOVE is the cure for all aches and what we all seek. Without LOVE, there would be no art, no songs, no poetry and no humanity. But there’s more to LOVE. Before you set out your LOVE plans this Valentine’s Day, spend a few minutes to pause and reflect on these aspects of your relationship…

1- LOVE has no dark sides but people certainly blame LOVE for their darker side.

Love in the purest and simplest form of emotion is just that; LOVE. When people in relationships become jealous, aggressive, possessive, outrageous or even criminal… its not LOVE, its their insecurities. Even if you were not in this person’s life, they would still be this insecure person and someone else would be the victim. Or probably you experience those insecurities and blame them on LOVE.

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Reflect. Ask questions to yourself. Do yourself a favor this Valentines’ Day.

2- LOVE is one of the single biggest MANIPULATING factor in abusive relationships.

As mentioned above, LOVE itself is the most awesome emotion that exists but LOVE is used in abusive, unhealthy relationships to manipulate the poor person who believes that their perpetrator loves them. If you are being hurt and pained in your current relationship, stop for a moment and ask yourself this;

Would you still be in touch with this person if this person wasn’t your spouse or partner?

Usually, when we get even the slightest of insult or disrespect from a friend or family or acquaintaince, we abruptly react and either confront or never see them again. Why then in the most important relationship, should one be bullied and hurt? If it HURTS, it isn’t LOVE SWEETHEART! You gotto move on.

3- LOVE needs to be explore, investigated, understood and practiced. 

OK, I’m not saying that an illeterate person cannot LOVE and all literate ones are LOVE gurus. I’m also not saying that it takes a PhD in Lovology to be in a relationship. But I’m suggesting that there are 3 factors here; you, the other person and the glue called LOVE. Although it sounds weird but self awareness is NOT something we learn naturally. Most of us rank extremely poor in it. Here’s a quick rapid fire:

Who are you? (not your job, not your father’s kid, not your degree, just you)

What is it that you want from life?

What makes you feel loved and why?

These were just a few points to get you thinking. Now the other person… you can spend an entire life getting to know someone and still know only 20-80% of them. Unless the other person trusts you enough to unravel theirselves, you would never know who this person is. How can you LOVE someone who you don’t even know?

Lastly comes the emotion of LOVE. Human Psychology has made several scientific advancements in the filed of LOVE and actually there’s a lot that we can learn.

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I suggest read books on self awareness, relationships and love.

The more you educate yourself, the better are your chances of experiencing LOVE, the real deal, the true thing…not a CHEAPER FAKE COPY!

4- LOVE has some accompanying buddies without which LOVE is NOT LOVE. 

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Think of the following words-care, trust, respect, loyalty and humility. These are like the 5 pillars of LOVE. Even if one of the pillars is missing, you are not experiencing LOVE. These are actually very good red flags or indicators in abusive relationships. Ask yourself if your relationship has all 5 of these pillars.

5- If all year your relationship has been in the dumps, Valentine’s Day will not change that.

Valentine’s Day is not about flowers, cards and candle-lit dinners. It’s about the above 5 pillars, remaining sturdy, ALL 365 days a year. I know a gentleman (if we can call him that) who abuses and swears at his wife all year round except for 2 days; Valentine’s Day and her birthday. In fact he throws a great party, invites his kids and grand kids and showers his wife with gifts and the most special treatment that makes other women feel how deeply this man loves his wife.

TRUTH?; It’s all for 24 hours, twice a year. Once they come home from the restaurant, he is back to swearing and beating his wife. But its nice to show off to others what an ideal husband he is.

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If this sounds like your story… please beware. It’s a horror story and the sooner you end it, the better it is.

In conclusion, I want to say that LOVE is out there, even if you don’t believe it now. No relationship is all roses and chocolates either. There will always be arguments, tiffs and getting mad and heartbreaks.

But if there’s no heartbreaking, how will there ever be HEART-MENDING?

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The one that mends your heart is the LOVER you need to be with.

Do celebrate Valentine’s Day, but don’t be so desperate to celebrate it with the wrong person. You deserve better. Like Jenni says:

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With Love and Peace,

Shahla

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The Last Thing You MUST Know About #Blurred Lines

#Blurred Lines has been one of the most talked about phrases since the song based on the same name created havoc last year. 

In case you haven’t heard it, you can easily find it on Youtube. It was banned at many student organisations due to the sexist lyrics and for promoting misogyny and rape culture. 

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On the one hand you will see feminists protesting against the usage of this phrase completely rejecting its premise while on the other hand you will find a large number of young people who believe otherwise. Let’s dig deeper and find out what it means and why it’s important.

In the hook up culture, sexual double standards prevail, we all know that. This means, women who are open about their choices, dating preferences and lifestyle are often labelled as ‘promiscuious’ (using the better word).

Those women who want to date or have random one night stands but without being called promiscuois must do it the ‘good girl’ way- meaning, they should reflect blurred lines. 

If you believe this, you are in for a loooooooooonnnggggggg trouble!

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The TRUTH About Women- for Men

Gone are the days where girls had to pretend to be anything. Most women now are open about their choices. If they want to be with a man, they will not only tell him but also fight for him when needed. Whatever name you call, women don’t really care anymore because they are much more open mided than you think. If she is not going for you, she really really really doesn’t like you. Instead of taking that on your EGO and trying to convince yourself that she wants it, you must take some lessons in handling rejections and get on with your life. You cannot rape everyone who rejects you and you cannot murder every employer who trashes your CV. The earlier you learn this lesson, the better it is. Most of the times, it is not even about you. Don’t take it too personal and move on.

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The TRUTH About #BLURRED LINES- for Women

You may be dating someone or you may like them and you have or haven’t thought yet about sharing a bed. 

No one but you, has the right to decide whether you want to sleep with someone or not, and when.

Sometimes, you just meet someone, you like them, you feel the chemistry but you dont want to sleep with them instantly. You don’t even have to have a reason for it, you just don’t. This can happen with men too by the way.

The moment you hear the other person say “oh come on, you know you want it”… my suggestion is………..

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RUN!!!!

Run as fast as you can, and don’t look back! Trust me you won’t regret!

 

Why am I so confident?

When people say “oh come on, you know you want it” what they really mean is “I cannot use force or aggression straight away because I fear prison, so I am trying to MANIPULATE you into thinking that YOU are the one who wants it”.

There are many sorts of rapes and the three most common you hear are:

  1. Date Rape
  2. Acquaintance Rape and
  3. Stranger Rape

We fear most the last one, the stranger rapes because most often there is a use of a weapon or force. But guess which one of the three kinds has the largest number of victims???

Its the acquaintance rape! It is also the most UNDER REPORTED rape kind.

Date rape is usually in a car or somewhere quiet after a date but acquaintance rape happen at people’s own homes and hang out areas, dorm rooms, libraries etc. This is because there is an element of trust involved. The rapist is a trust authority or friend and the victim has no idea of what is coming. Taking advantage of someone’s trust is plain crime, there is no blurred line about that. Just because someone trusts you enough to be with you, does not make give you the right to break that trust.

Blurred lines is the phrase used by these offenders to:

  • firstly manipulate the victim to think that she ‘asked for it’ or ‘she liked it’ when she didn’t.
  • secondly to force her to blame herself post rape, that will ensure no reporting

Manipulation is more powerful and more commonly used in rape than a weapon.

When it comes to dating, we may take our time to decide whether or not we like someone to go out with them again. Even if we don’t and our friends or someone else thinks we make a good couple, sometimes we consider it and say “OK I will give it another chance”.

However when it comes to sex, there is NO #BLURRED LINE.

We know if we want it or not, straight away.

And if you have to try to convince yourself to have sex with someone, you are NOT doing yourself any good.

“I owe him sex, he paid for the dinner”

“He brought me that expensive gift, may be I must reciprocate”.

“I have to look cool, I have to do this to get popular”.

“I am married to him, it’s his right”. WRONG

Neither of these are good reasons to sleep with someone and the worst one is “he said I wanted it, may be I do but I just don’t know it yet”.

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Sex is an expression of your body and your connection with peace and pleasure. Who you have it with, must be your choice based on your feelings. Even if you want it and half way though you change your mind for whatever reason, you still have the right to STOP and walk away. 

There is NO blurred line even if you stop halfway through the sex.

I hope that clarifies the never ending blurred lines debate and make sure everyone understands that blurred lines mean plain and simple manipulation. Now you know what to do next time when someone says “you know you want it”.

 

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